The Holidays and Loneliness

I’m here reaching out tonight, the first Saturday in December, because it is the night I feel most alone. And I don’t think I am the only one. Thanksgiving, I feel, we can get away with, when we are by ourselves, because of more recent trends since Covid like “Friendsgiving” that are more forgiving and accepting of singles. But. December. Whether you celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah, or nothing, this month we are inundated with messages from the external that reinforce we should not be alone at this time. And for those of us who are alone, well, I am going on my fourth year. And it does not get easier and the messages from family, invites, friends, unintentional suggestions of being coupled and invited that “other” to holiday events is intensified. So, how is one to deal with that? Well, to anyone else out there struggling with this and contemplating completely just shutting down and not going out to any events nor accepting any invitations, I offer this: I, too, have completely shut down since Thanksgiving. I thought, after all of these years, I would have a +1 to bring and RSVP with an actual name to all of these holiday invites. But here I am, writing this blog from my bed on a December Eve having not accepted the influx of invitations and giving a myriad of excuses (all true of course) for not being present this year.

You see, the truth is, I am a very truly social creature. I crave going out and being around people and making connections and chatting and meeting new people. But for some reasons, this year, I feel different. I have been hiding away in my bedroom with my two cats, feeling the heartbreak because I truly thought, after four years of being solo, I would have found that person by now who would commit to wanting to be that person on my arm, at my side, wanting to stay with me through the night, who I could include on an RSVP. The person who I could make breakfast for and tea or coffee who would be here with me the next morning. But, that has not happened and because of that and because of my own limiting beliefs, I have removed myself from the social scene this season. Now, some or many will say, If you remove yourself, then how will you meet that person who you want to be by your side for these holiday events? My answer is not jaded, but I would like to think enlightened by a year’s worth of weekends of misaligned connections and something one of those temporary connections voiced to me before leaving before dawn—”I’ve been training for this very moment.” Except, the problem, I realized, a little too late, was that this other had not been training for me in particular, but I had put everything into this connection that I had learned up until this moment for that individual to intuit and feel that that individual had been preparing for that moment. The reality, of course, was what you already know—I was only serving in that moment as a tool to push that individual beyond the former comfort zone and knowledge and understanding to effect growth and knowledge and realization. It was not knew to me but to that person. It was in that moment that I realized I was the healer of the broken hearts: I had spent the past four years helping others discover what they needed to heal to grow and move on and I served the role of the healer because by taking myself out of the emotional aspect and only placing a physical connection to it I could help heal another without having to delve into why I was hurting and focusing on others. And it worked for quite a while. Until last week. I met someone who challenged me who did not need any healing of heartbreak, hurt, brokenness, abaondment issues nor insecurity, and completely allowed me to be me. And it completely caught me off guard, I did not know how to handle it nor react. So naturally, I pushed it away. Perhaps the only pure form of love there is is that of selfless abainsond and care. Perhaps, I hope, in today recognizing why I push such things away tomorrow I may have another chance at LOVE. After all, I am a hopeless romantic and believe in the miracle of the season. On this date, nearly fourteen years ago, I was proposed to in a way that only happens in the movies and did believe at that time it was forever. Now, I have been by myself, having been left by this person who proposed in that dream-like scene, for about four years. And I would not change a single moment of my past. I am here today, reaching out to anyone who has given up hope to say, do not give up. Do not stop believing. We all have our moments that shape who we are and challenge how we react and decide to move forward. Today, decide that you will move forward on your dream. Today, during this holiday season, if you are feeling alone, find someone who needs more help than you do to put things in perspective. Perhaps that may mean volunteering at a homeless shelter or providing counsel to someone who has lost someone in their life who feels like the world has forgotten them. Have courage. Find one thing to be grateful for and focus on one thing you can do to push you closer in the direction toward where you want to be. You are not alone. As I write this from my bed, with my siamese cat by my side on a Saturday night (having given excuses to many for my whereabouts tonight and hiding from social events this weekend), if you feel like you need time away from the social scene, it is okay. But just do not isolate yourself for too long. We need you. We need to hear your insight, see your perspective, feel your gentle approach and thoughtfulness and see the beauty you see in the world despite the deep hurt you have been dealt. Please please do not disappear in December. The World needs you to be present. Know you are not alone and that you will feel better the more you connect.